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❝My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white❞
Monty Python
quote

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts

66Five Hundred and Eigthy quotes by Anonymous99

Anonymous is the adjective form of anonymity, the state of an individual's personal identity, or personally identifiable information, being publicly unknown.

❝'Onomatopoeia' is spelled the way it sounds.❞ [+]

❝(Anything in parenthesis can be ignored.)❞ [+]

❝1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.❞ [+]

❝2 is not equal to 3; not even for very large values of 2.❞ [+]

❝A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.❞ [+]

❝A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.❞ [+]

❝A camel is a horse designed by a committee.❞ [+]

❝A closed mouth gathers no feet.❞ [+]

❝A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.❞ [+]

❝A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.❞ [+]

❝A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to guarantee the flow of paper.❞ [+]

❝A cult becomes a religion when it stops killing its members and starts killing non-members.❞ [+]

❝A day without sunshine is like night.❞ [+]

❝A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.❞ [+]

❝A fate worse than death is better than dying.❞ [+]

❝A fool must now and then be right by chance.❞ [+]

❝A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.❞ [+]

❝A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.❞ [+]

❝A good hiding place is hard to find.❞ [+]

❝A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.❞ [+]

❝A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.❞ [+]

❝A kick in the ass is often a step forward.❞ [+]

❝A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail, and a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.❞ [+]

❝A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.❞ [+]

❝A liberal thinks that goats are just sheep from broken homes.❞ [+]

❝A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.❞ [+]

❝A lot of what appears to be progress is just technological rococo.❞ [+]

❝A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.❞ [+]

❝A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.❞ [+]

❝A man with a briefcase can steal more money than any man with a gun.❞ [+]

❝A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.❞ [+]

❝A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.❞ [+]

❝A man's grasp rarely exceeds his greed.❞ [+]

❝A meal without wine is called a commuter's breakfast. ❞ [+]

❝A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in them.
A psychiatrist collects the rent.❞ [+]

❝A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.❞ [+]

❝A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.❞ [+]

❝A pedestal is as much a prison as any small confined space.❞ [+]

❝A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.❞ [+]

❝A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.❞ [+]

❝A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.❞ [+]

❝A religious conservative is a fanatic about a dead radical.❞ [+]

❝A rolling stone gathers momentum.❞ [+]

❝A sandwich is an unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.❞ [+]

❝A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.❞ [+]

❝A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.❞ [+]

❝A waist is a terrible thing to mind.❞ [+]

❝About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.❞ [+]

❝Absolute zero is cool.❞ [+]

❝After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.❞ [+]

❝Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.❞ [+]

❝Alcohol and calculus don't mix: don't drink and derive.❞ [+]

❝Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation.❞ [+]

❝All babies look like Winston Churchill.❞ [+]

❝All generalisations are false, including this one.❞ [+]

❝All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.❞ [+]

❝All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.❞ [+]

❝All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.❞ [+]

❝Amand's Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else.❞ [+]

❝Amo
Amas
Amatit again.❞ [+]

❝Among economists, the real world is often a special case.❞ [+]

❝An amateur practises until he gets it right, a professional until he can't get it wrong.❞ [+]

❝An army's weapons are made by the lowest bidder.❞ [+]

❝An existential map has 'you are here' written all over it.❞ [+]

❝An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.❞ [+]

❝And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On❞ [+]

❝Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get very nervous and give the wrong answers.❞ [+]

❝Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.❞ [+]

❝Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.❞ [+]

❝Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.❞ [+]

❝Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.❞ [+]

❝Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.❞ [+]

❝Are you getting fit or having one?❞ [+]

❝Art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed.❞ [+]

❝Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.❞ [+]

❝As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.❞ [+]

❝Astrology was invented so that Economics could become a science.❞ [+]

❝At some time in the life cycle of every organisation, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.❞ [+]

❝At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.❞ [+]

❝Bacteria are the only culture some people have.❞ [+]

❝Banana Republic Constitution: Prohibido todo lo que no sea obligatorio.❞ [+]

❝Be a safe eater and always use a condiment.❞ [+]

❝Beauty multiplied by brains equals a constant.❞ [+]

❝Beer is the reason I wake up every afternoon.❞ [+]

❝Believers are atheists in all but their own god; true atheists just go one god further.❞ [+]

❝Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the identity of the two tongues.❞ [+]

❝Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.❞ [+]

❝Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.❞ [+]

❝Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.❞ [+]

❝Biology grows on you.❞ [+]

❝Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.❞ [+]

❝Bread is the staff of life; toast a decadent capitalist luxury.❞ [+]

❝Bugs are sons of glitches.❞ [+]

❝Bugs come in through open Windows.❞ [+]

❝Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, and my desk has a workstation.❞ [+]

❝Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.❞ [+]

❝Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.❞ [+]

❝Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.❞ [+]

❝Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth; communism is the equal distribution of poverty.❞ [+]

❝Celibacy is not hereditary.❞ [+]

❝Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.❞ [+]

❝Chaste makes waste.❞ [+]

❝Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.❞ [+]

❝Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.❞ [+]

❝Children may be obscene but not absurd.❞ [+]

❝Coito ergo sum.❞ [+]

❝Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.1: The cheque is in the mail.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.2: I love you.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.3: This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.4: It's not the money that matters, it's the principle.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.5: I've never done this before.❞ [+]

❝Common Lies no.6: Money isn't everything.❞ [+]

❝Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.❞ [+]

❝Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.❞ [+]

❝Computers are not intelligent: they only think they are.❞ [+]

❝Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.❞ [+]

❝Confusion never reigns but it pours.❞ [+]

❝Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.❞ [+]

❝Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.❞ [+]

❝Consciousness is the annoying time between naps.❞ [+]

❝Conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. The facts work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.❞ [+]

❝Constipation is timeless, but diarrhoea waits for no man.❞ [+]

❝Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.❞ [+]

❝Cooking is a minor art; I can't imagine a hilarious soufflé, or a deeply moving stew.❞ [+]

❝Cows are vegetarian so you don't have to be.❞ [+]

❝Crises bring out the best in the best of us, and the worst in the worst of us.❞ [+]

❝Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus.❞ [+]

❝Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.❞ [+]

❝Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.❞ [+]

❝Death is nature's way of saying, 'You can let go of your ankles now'.❞ [+]

❝Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.❞ [+]

❝Delay is the deadliest form of denial.❞ [+]

❝Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.❞ [+]

❝Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.❞ [+]

❝Diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.❞ [+]

❝Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.❞ [+]

❝Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.❞ [+]

❝Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.❞ [+]

❝Don't anthropomorphise computers: they hate that.❞ [+]

❝Don't believe everything you think.❞ [+]

❝Don't count your cheques before they're cashed.❞ [+]

❝Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.❞ [+]

❝Don't vote, it only encourages them.❞ [+]

❝Draft beer; not people.❞ [+]

❝Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.❞ [+]

❝Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.❞ [+]

❝During exams you are permitted to look down for inspiration and up in exasperation, but you are not permitted to look side to side for information.❞ [+]

❝Early to bed
Early to rise
These are the reasons
Why a man dies.❞ [+]

❝Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.❞ [+]

❝Economics exams set the same questions year after year, it's the answers that change.❞ [+]

❝Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.❞ [+]

❝Either heaven or hell will have continuous background music. Which one you think it will be tells a lot about you.❞ [+]

❝Elvis rocks in his box.❞ [+]

❝Emmanuel Kant but Genghis Khan.❞ [+]

❝Entropy isn't what it used to be.❞ [+]

❝Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.❞ [+]

❝Even Napoleon had his Watergate.❞ [+]

❝Every silver lining has a cloud.❞ [+]

❝Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.❞ [+]

❝Everything was so different before it changed.❞ [+]

❝Existentialism has no future.❞ [+]

❝Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.❞ [+]

❝Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.❞ [+]

❝Fashions come and go; bad taste is timeless.❞ [+]

❝Feminist Astronautics 101: If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all?❞ [+]

❝Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.❞ [+]

❝Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.❞ [+]

❝First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.❞ [+]

❝Food is an important part of a balanced diet.❞ [+]

❝For a string to have one end it must have another.❞ [+]

❝For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.❞ [+]

❝For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.❞ [+]

❝For every solution he had a problem.❞ [+]

❝Freedom is not free.❞ [+]

❝Friendly fire isn't.❞ [+]

❝Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.❞ [+]

❝From The Gutter To You Ain't Up❞ [+]

❝Geography is everywhere.❞ [+]

❝Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.❞ [+]

❝Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.❞ [+]

❝God doesn't come when you want him but he's right on time.❞ [+]

❝God is dead and I want his job.❞ [+]

❝Good judgement comes from experience, and that comes from poor judgement.❞ [+]

❝Good science fiction writers don't dream about the future and hope they're right, they have nightmares and hope they're wrong.❞ [+]

❝Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.❞ [+]

❝Great things can be reduced to small things, and small things to nothing.❞ [+]

❝Half the people in the world are below average.❞ [+]

❝Halitosis is better than no breath at all.❞ [+]

❝Happiness can't buy you money.❞ [+]

❝Hardware is the part of a computer system that can be kicked and software is the part that can only be screamed at.❞ [+]

❝Hatless, I take off
My bicycle clips in awkward reverence.❞ [+]

❝Having children is hereditary, if your parents didn't have any, then you probably won't either.❞ [+]

❝He couldn't work out how to pour water from a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.❞ [+]

❝He promised me earrings, but he only pierced my ears.❞ [+]

❝He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.❞ [+]

❝He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.❞ [+]

❝Health food is anything you eat before the expiry date.❞ [+]

❝Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.❞ [+]

❝Heisenberg may have been here.❞ [+]

❝Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.❞ [+]

❝Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.❞ [+]

❝Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure❞ [+]

❝History is just one bloody thing after another.❞ [+]

❝History repeats itself because nobody listens.❞ [+]

❝Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.❞ [+]

❝Horse sense is what stops horses from betting on humans.❞ [+]

❝Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.❞ [+]

❝Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.❞ [+]

❝Hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars because you go faster when you're always going downhill.❞ [+]

❝How can you know what you think until you open your mouth and hear what you say?❞ [+]

❝How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you're on.❞ [+]

❝Humpty Dumpty was pushed.❞ [+]

❝Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.❞ [+]

❝I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.❞ [+]

❝I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.❞ [+]

❝I am now cured of schizophrenia: but where am I now that I need me?❞ [+]

❝I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?❞ [+]

❝I complained that I had no shoes
Until I met a man who had no feet.❞ [+]

❝I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.❞ [+]

❝I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2❞ [+]

❝I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.❞ [+]

❝I have learnt to spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which grates on many people's nerves.❞ [+]

❝I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.❞ [+]

❝I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand.❞ [+]

❝I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.❞ [+]

❝I like pigs: dogs look up to us; cats look down on us; pigs treat us as equals.❞ [+]

❝I like sadism, necrophilia, and zoophilia. Am I flogging a dead horse?❞ [+]

❝I like work, I can sit and watch it for hours.❞ [+]

❝I liked the tree better than the book.❞ [+]

❝I really hate this damned machine
I wish they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.❞ [+]

❝I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.❞ [+]

❝I say let the world go to hell, but I should always have my tea.❞ [+]

❝I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.❞ [+]

❝I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better❞ [+]

❝I stopped believing in god the day I saw lightning rods in the Vatican.❞ [+]

❝I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.❞ [+]

❝I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect.❞ [+]

❝I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.❞ [+]

❝I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.❞ [+]

❝I wish I were what I was when I wished to be what I am.❞ [+]

❝I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.❞ [+]

❝I Would Have Answered Your Letter Sooner, But You Didn't Send One❞ [+]

❝I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.❞ [+]

❝I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.❞ [+]

❝I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.❞ [+]

❝I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.❞ [+]

❝I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite❞ [+]

❝I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life❞ [+]

❝I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am.❞ [+]

❝I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.❞ [+]

❝I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.❞ [+]

❝I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here❞ [+]

❝I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You❞ [+]

❝I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.❞ [+]

❝If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what are we to think of an empty desk?❞ [+]

❝If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.❞ [+]

❝If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will❞ [+]

❝If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.❞ [+]

❝If God exists, that's his problem.❞ [+]

❝If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.❞ [+]

❝If I Can't Find Mister Right, I'll Settle For Mister Right Now❞ [+]

❝If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd probably start thinking about you❞ [+]

❝If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now❞ [+]

❝If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You❞ [+]

❝If ignorance isn't bliss, I don't know what is.❞ [+]

❝If it ain't broke, don't fix it.❞ [+]

❝If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.❞ [+]

❝If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.❞ [+]

❝If it's too loud, you're too old.❞ [+]

❝If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?❞ [+]

❝If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?❞ [+]

❝If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.❞ [+]

❝If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.❞ [+]

❝If scientists knew what they were doing, it wouldn't be called research.❞ [+]

❝If the heart is only a muscle, is love just an exercise?❞ [+]

❝If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.❞ [+]

❝If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?❞ [+]

❝If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.❞ [+]

❝If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In❞ [+]

❝If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?❞ [+]

❝If you are already in a hole, stop digging.❞ [+]

❝If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?❞ [+]

❝If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.❞ [+]

❝If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.❞ [+]

❝If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?❞ [+]

❝If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.❞ [+]

❝If you play country music backwards, you get your job, your wife, and your dog back, and your pick-up works again.❞ [+]

❝If you try to fail and succeed, which have you achieved?❞ [+]

❝If you want to drown yourself, make sure the water is deep enough.❞ [+]

❝If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.❞ [+]

❝If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will❞ [+]

❝If you're anti-abortion and pro capital punishment, you are only arguing about the timing.❞ [+]

❝If you're not confused, you're misinformed.❞ [+]

❝Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.❞ [+]

❝In an open source world without walls and fences we don't need Windows and Gates.❞ [+]

❝In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.❞ [+]

❝In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.❞ [+]

❝In love there is always one who kisses and one who offers the cheek.❞ [+]

❝In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.❞ [+]

❝In the beginning there was nothing and then it exploded.❞ [+]

❝In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.❞ [+]

❝In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.❞ [+]

❝In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.❞ [+]

❝Incest is relatively boring.❞ [+]

❝Indecision is the key to flexibility.❞ [+]

❝Inside every big problem there is a small problem struggling to get out.❞ [+]

❝Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.❞ [+]

❝Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.❞ [+]

❝Is a 5.25 floppy better than a 3.5 hard?❞ [+]

❝It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.❞ [+]

❝It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.❞ [+]

❝It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.❞ [+]

❝It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.❞ [+]

❝It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.❞ [+]

❝It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.❞ [+]

❝It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.❞ [+]

❝It takes a lot of experience for a woman to kiss like a beginner.❞ [+]

❝It's always room-temperature.❞ [+]

❝It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.❞ [+]

❝It's hard to feel morally superior to a person who gets up earlier than you do.❞ [+]

❝It's hard to say why writing verse
Should terminate in drink or worse.❞ [+]

❝It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.❞ [+]

❝It's not the fall that kills you but the sudden stop at the end.❞ [+]

❝It's not too far; it just seems like it is.❞ [+]

❝It's true that money talks. It usually says 'Goodbye'.❞ [+]

❝It's very suspicious that the Miss Universe pageant is always won by an earth woman.❞ [+]

❝I’m not complaining about coming to work but about the eight hour wait to go home.❞ [+]

❝Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get you.❞ [+]

❝Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.❞ [+]

❝Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you an anchor.❞ [+]

❝Klein bottle for rent. Inquire within.❞ [+]

❝Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.❞ [+]

❝Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.❞ [+]

❝Lazy people have no spare time.❞ [+]

❝Life is a beach, and then you drown.❞ [+]

❝Life is like a dog sled team: if you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.❞ [+]

❝Life is the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.❞ [+]

❝Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.❞ [+]

❝Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.❞ [+]

❝Living in the past is cheaper.❞ [+]

❝Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.❞ [+]

❝Love has no heart.❞ [+]

❝Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is physics.❞ [+]

❝Love is like a good cigar: it can go out many times, but each time you relight it, it tastes worse.❞ [+]

❝Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.❞ [+]

❝Man has two basic desires: to get and to beget.❞ [+]

❝Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.❞ [+]

❝Man will occasionally stumble over the truth. Invariably, he will pick himself up and carry on.❞ [+]

❝Management expands to meet the needs of management.❞ [+]

❝Marriage is an attempt to change the night owl into a homing pigeon.❞ [+]

❝Marriage is not a word but a sentence.❞ [+]

❝Marriage means commitment but so does insanity.❞ [+]

❝Mechanic's First Law: When in doubt, give it a clout.❞ [+]

❝Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.❞ [+]

❝Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for 20 years.❞ [+]

❝Mickey Mouse is a rat.❞ [+]

❝Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.❞ [+]

❝Mistress: Something between a master and a mattress.❞ [+]

❝Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.❞ [+]

❝Money doesn't buy happiness; it rents it.❞ [+]

❝Money is the root of all good and the fruit of all evil.❞ [+]

❝Money isn't everything. If it were, what would we buy with it?❞ [+]

❝Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.❞ [+]

❝Morality is doing right, no matter what you are told; religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.❞ [+]

❝Most of our future lies ahead.❞ [+]

❝Murphy's Law is recursive: washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.❞ [+]

❝My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.❞ [+]

❝My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.❞ [+]

❝My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him❞ [+]

❝Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to modern people who blow horns to break up traffic jams.❞ [+]

❝Never allow a computer to know you're in a hurry.❞ [+]

❝Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person.❞ [+]

❝Never bet your bladder against a brewery.❞ [+]

❝Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.❞ [+]

❝Never eat anything bigger than your head.❞ [+]

❝Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.❞ [+]

❝Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.❞ [+]

❝Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.❞ [+]

❝Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.❞ [+]

❝Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.❞ [+]

❝Never trust anybody who says trust me.❞ [+]

❝Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.❞ [+]

❝No guts, no glory. No brain, same story.❞ [+]

❝No horse goes as fast as the money you bet on him.❞ [+]

❝No leg's too short to reach the ground.❞ [+]

❝No one appreciates thrift like an heir.❞ [+]

❝No one knows what true happiness is until they get married but by then, of course, it's too late.❞ [+]

❝Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.❞ [+]

❝Not enough is done for the apathetic.❞ [+]

❝Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.❞ [+]

❝Nothing is illegal until you get caught.❞ [+]

❝Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.❞ [+]

❝Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.❞ [+]

❝Nothing is potent against love save impotence.❞ [+]

❝Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.❞ [+]

❝Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.❞ [+]

❝Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.❞ [+]

❝Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.❞ [+]

❝Of all the people I know, you're one of them.❞ [+]

❝Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.❞ [+]

❝Of those who say nothing, few are silent.❞ [+]

❝Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.❞ [+]

❝Old soldiers never die; young ones do.❞ [+]

❝One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.❞ [+]

❝One match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.❞ [+]

❝One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.❞ [+]

❝Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.❞ [+]

❝Osborn's Law: Constants aren't; variables won't.❞ [+]

❝Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.❞ [+]

❝People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.❞ [+]

❝People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, and all their life for happiness.❞ [+]

❝People who do the world's real work don't usually wear ties.❞ [+]

❝People will believe anything if you whisper it.❞ [+]

❝Perseverance: Mediocrity rewarded.❞ [+]

❝Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.❞ [+]

❝Philosophy is questions that may never be answered, but religion is answers that may never be questioned.❞ [+]

❝Poetry is proof that rhyme doesn't pay.❞ [+]

❝Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.❞ [+]

❝Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.❞ [+]

❝Psychiatry is the care of the Id by the odd.❞ [+]

❝Quarks are the dreams that stuff is made of.❞ [+]

❝Racism is only the snobbery of the poor.❞ [+]

❝RAM disk is not an installation procedure.❞ [+]

❝Real programs don't eat cache.❞ [+]

❝Robin Hood only robbed the rich because the poor had no money.❞ [+]

❝Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF❞ [+]

❝Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.❞ [+]

❝Schizophrenia is better than dining alone.❞ [+]

❝Schrödinger rules the waves.❞ [+]

❝Schubert sonatas happen.❞ [+]

❝Seminars: from 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.❞ [+]

❝Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer.❞ [+]

❝Sexual harassment at work - is it a problem for the self-employed?❞ [+]

❝Sick yaks leave light tracks.❞ [+]

❝Sleep faster; we need the pillows.❞ [+]

❝Smile, they said,
It could be worse.
So, I did
And it was.❞ [+]

❝Smith & Wesson had the original point and click interface.❞ [+]

❝So near and yet so what?❞ [+]

❝Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.❞ [+]

❝Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.❞ [+]

❝Some people leave a mark on this world, while others only leave a stain.❞ [+]

❝Some prose writers go from bad to verse.❞ [+]

❝Someone who thinks of himself as a wit is usually half right.❞ [+]

❝Soviet History 101: Who knows tomorrow what happened yesterday?❞ [+]

❝Streakers beware: your end is in sight.❞ [+]

❝Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.❞ [+]

❝Sweaty feet seldom come singly.❞ [+]

❝Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.❞ [+]

❝Taxation without representation was probably cheaper.❞ [+]

❝Temptation laughs at the fool who takes it seriously.❞ [+]

❝Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You❞ [+]

❝The average person thinks he isn't.❞ [+]

❝The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.❞ [+]

❝The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.❞ [+]

❝The big-type giveth, and the small-type taketh away.❞ [+]

❝The bigger the box, the bigger the things that won't fit in it.❞ [+]

❝The bigger they are, the harder they hit.❞ [+]

❝The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.❞ [+]

❝The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.❞ [+]

❝The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning, while those other subjects merely require scholarship.❞ [+]

❝The first myth of management is that it exists.❞ [+]

❝The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.❞ [+]

❝The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.❞ [+]

❝The Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.❞ [+]

❝The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.❞ [+]

❝The hangman let me down.❞ [+]

❝The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.❞ [+]

❝The hidden flaw never remains hidden.❞ [+]

❝The impossibility of yesterday has become the luxury of today and the necessity of tomorrow.❞ [+]

❝The information you have is not the information you want; the information you want is not the information you need; the information you need is not what you can get or is not known; the information that is known can't be found in time.❞ [+]

❝The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.❞ [+]

❝The Lottery is a tax on people who don't understand statistics.❞ [+]

❝The meek make things easier for the rest of us.❞ [+]

❝The meek shall inherit the earth. They won't have the nerve to refuse it.❞ [+]

❝The Moral Majority is neither.❞ [+]

❝The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.❞ [+]

❝The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.❞ [+]

❝The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.❞ [+]

❝The older I get, the better I was.❞ [+]

❝The only person who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.❞ [+]

❝The probable impossible is always preferable to the improbable possible.❞ [+]

❝The solution to the problem changes the problem.❞ [+]

❝The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.❞ [+]

❝The speed of time is one second per second.❞ [+]

❝The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.❞ [+]

❝The supply of government exceeds the demand.❞ [+]

❝The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.❞ [+]

❝The tire is only flat on the bottom.❞ [+]

❝The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.❞ [+]

❝The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.❞ [+]

❝The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.❞ [+]

❝The truth is the best lie.❞ [+]

❝The Universal Iceberg Theorem: Eight ninths of everything is hidden.❞ [+]

❝The Universal Library Theorem: There are no answers, only cross references.❞ [+]

❝The upper crust is just a lot of crumbs sticking together.❞ [+]

❝The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.❞ [+]

❝The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.❞ [+]

❝There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.❞ [+]

❝There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.❞ [+]

❝There are three dimensions to credit cards: length, width and debt.❞ [+]

❝There are three types of economist: those who can count, and those who cannot.❞ [+]

❝There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.❞ [+]

❝There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.❞ [+]

❝There is a time and a place for everything unless you're trying to park a car.❞ [+]

❝There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.❞ [+]

❝There is no evidence to support the idea that life is serious.❞ [+]

❝There is no future in time travel.❞ [+]

❝There is no need for signposts in the journey of life since the destination is always the same.❞ [+]

❝There's no place like 127.0.0.1❞ [+]

❝There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate.❞ [+]

❝Things are more like they used to be than they are now.❞ [+]

❝Those who don't believe in Gosh will go to Heck.❞ [+]

❝Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.❞ [+]

❝Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.❞ [+]

❝To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.❞ [+]

❝To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say.❞ [+]

❝Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.❞ [+]

❝Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.❞ [+]

❝Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.❞ [+]

❝Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns.❞ [+]

❝Truth and credibility are usually incompatible.❞ [+]

❝Two rules you must always remember: 1; Never give out all the information.❞ [+]

❝Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart❞ [+]

❝Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.❞ [+]

❝Very few trial separations don't work.❞ [+]

❝Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.❞ [+]

❝War doesn't determine who's right; it determines who's left.❞ [+]

❝Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water.❞ [+]

❝We are born naked, wet and hungry; then things get worse.❞ [+]

❝We are the people our parents warned us about.❞ [+]

❝We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians.❞ [+]

❝We exchange time for objects, in hopes of gaining something that will endure.❞ [+]

❝We have met the enemy, and he is us.❞ [+]

❝We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.❞ [+]

❝We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.❞ [+]

❝We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.❞ [+]

❝We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.❞ [+]

❝We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.❞ [+]

❝Weather forecast for tonight: dark.❞ [+]

❝What did we do before we discovered nostalgia?❞ [+]

❝What if there were no hypothetical situations?❞ [+]

❝What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.❞ [+]

❝What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?❞ [+]

❝What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.❞ [+]

❝Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.❞ [+]

❝When all is said and done, more is said than done.❞ [+]

❝When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.❞ [+]

❝When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.❞ [+]

❝When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.❞ [+]

❝When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond.❞ [+]

❝When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.❞ [+]

❝When you find the present tense and past perfect.❞ [+]

❝When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.❞ [+]

❝When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.❞ [+]

❝Where are the calculations that go with the calculated risk?❞ [+]

❝While chain swings, seat is warm.❞ [+]

❝While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.❞ [+]

❝Whither atrophy?❞ [+]

❝Why is there is only one Monopolies Commission?❞ [+]

❝Women were born without a sense of humour, so they could love men and not laugh at them.❞ [+]

❝Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.❞ [+]

❝Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.❞ [+]

❝Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.❞ [+]

❝You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.❞ [+]

❝You are never alone with a clone.❞ [+]

❝You are not a complete idiot; there are bits missing.❞ [+]

❝You are only young once, but you can be immature your whole life.❞ [+]

❝You Are The North End Of A Southbound Pig❞ [+]

❝You are where you eat.❞ [+]

❝You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.❞ [+]

❝You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play❞ [+]

❝You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too❞ [+]

❝You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.❞ [+]

❝You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.❞ [+]

❝You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life❞ [+]

❝You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.❞ [+]

❝You're Ruining My Bad Reputation❞ [+]

❝Your karma ran over my dogma.❞ [+]

❝Your probability of winning the lottery hardly increases by buying a ticket.❞ [+]

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