“My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white”
Monty Python

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts
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 'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. 
 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 
 A meal without wine is called a commuter's breakfast. 
 A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails. 
 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 
 Alcohol and calculus don't mix: don't drink and derive. 
 Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 
 Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation. 
 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 
 Anyone who can turn water into wine is bound to have a following. 
 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
 Beer is the reason I wake up every afternoon. 
 Better belly burst than good liquor be lost. 
 Champagne for my sham friends; real pain for my real friends. 
 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. 
 Every loaf of bread is a tragic reminder of cereals that never became beer. 
 Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. 
 Everything in moderation, including moderation. 
 For when the wine is in, the wit is out. 
 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. 
 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 
 He has a profound respect for old age, especially if it's bottled. 
 He who comes forth with a fifth on the fourth, may not come forth on the fifth. 
 I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. 
 I only drink to make other people interesting. 
 I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. 
 I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am. 
 I'm Two Beers Away From a Beautiful Day 
 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 
 If the headache preceded the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue. 
 It is only the first bottle that is expensive. 
 It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. 
 Maturity is realising that you don't need fun to have alcohol. 
 Never bet your bladder against a brewery. 
 Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 
 Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 
 People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst. 
 People who don't drink wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day. 
 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk. 
 The more I drink, the thirstier I become. 
Plus j'en bois, plus j'ai de soif.
 The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. 
 The wages of gin is breath. 
 The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. 
 There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 
 There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern. 
 Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water. 
 Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. 
 What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch? 
 What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made a Loser Out of Me 
 When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 
 When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat. 
 Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? 
 Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 
 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.