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❝My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white❞
Monty Python

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts


'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A meal without wine is called a commuter's breakfast.

A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.
P.J. O'Rourke (1947- )

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
Hugh Drummond

Alcohol and calculus don't mix: don't drink and derive.

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

Anyone who can turn water into wine is bound to have a following.

Beer is the reason I wake up every afternoon.

Better belly burst than good liquor be lost.
Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

Champagne for my sham friends; real pain for my real friends.
Francis Bacon (1909-1992)

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Petronius (27-66)

For when the wine is in, the wit is out.
Thomas Becon (1512-1567)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.

He has a profound respect for old age, especially if it's bottled.
Gene Fowler (1890-1960)

He who comes forth with a fifth on the fourth, may not come forth on the fifth.
Joe Montgomery (1957- )

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

I drink no more than a sponge.
François Rabelais (1494-1553)

I only drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am.

I'm Two Beers Away From a Beautiful Day.
Johnny Gimble (1926-2015)

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

If the headache preceded the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns (1896-1996)

Never bet your bladder against a brewery.

Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
P.J. O'Rourke (1947- )

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.

People who don't drink wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.
Dean Martin (1917-1995)

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.
Alben W. Barkley (1877-1956)

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)

The wages of gin is breath.
Addison Mizner (1872-1933)

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
François Rabelais (1494-1553)

Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?
W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Loser Out Of Me
Glenn Sutton (1937-2007)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman (1906-1998)

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

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