quote My philosophy
like colour TV
is all there
in black and white
Monty Python

Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws & Thoughts

66Country Songs 99

All the Guys Who Turn Me On Turn Me Down

Although you're thirty, I still think you're purty.
Kinky Friedman / Panama Red

And There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump

Does The Spearmint Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Billy Rose & Marty Bloom / Ernest Breuer

Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat

From The Gutter To You Ain't Up

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It

I Flushed You From The Toilet Of My Heart

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I Would Have Answered Your Letter Sooner, But You Didn't Send One

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here

If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will

If I Can't Find Mister Right, I'll Settle For Mister Right Now

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

If I Had To Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
David & Howard Bellamy

If Today Was A Fish, I'd Throw It Back In

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead?

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will

If Your Phone Ain't Ringing, It's Me

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without

Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, I'm Trying To Kiss You Goodbye

Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You

Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
John Wayne Higgins / Gary Hannan

Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

What Made Milwaukee Famous Has Made A Fool Out Of Me
G. Sutton

You Are The North End Of A Southbound Pig

You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You're Ruining My Bad Reputation

You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

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66Courage & Cowardice 99

A coward is a hero with a wife, children and a mortgage.

Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.
Horace Smith

It is better to be a coward for one minute than dead the rest of your life.

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
August Strindberg (1849-1912)

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66Culture 99

A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him what he meant.
Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Bacteria are the only culture some people have.

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
Lord Raglan (1927-1964)

No statue has ever been put up to a critic.
Jean Sibelius (1865-1957)

When I hear the word 'culture' I reach for my gun.
Hanns Johst (1890-1978)

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

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66Cynicism 99

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
James Gould Cozzens (1903-1978)

Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened.
Arnold Bennett (1867-1931)

Cynic: A blackguard who sees things as they are, not as they should be.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

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66Death 99

A fate worse than death is better than dying.

A philosophical contempt of life is no guarantee of courage in the face of death.

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.
Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

Death is nature's way of saying, 'You can let go of your ankles now'.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Death must be distinguished from dying, with which it is often confused.
Sydney Smith (1771-1845)

Elvis rocks in his box.

Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling.
André Gide (1869-1951)

Hatless, I take off
My bicycle clips in awkward reverence.

He had decided to live on forever or die in the attempt.
Joseph Heller (1923-)

I believe there would be people alive today if there were a death penalty.
Nancy Reagan (1921-)

I detest life-insurance agents; they argue that some day I shall die, which is not so.
Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

No hero is mortal until he dies.
W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death.
William Burroughs (1914-)

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
Drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You may as well live
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

The best way to get praise is to die.

The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

There is no need for sign-posts in the journey of life since the destination is always the same.

There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980)

Where are you dying tonight?
Evelyn Waugh (1903-1966)

While other people's deaths are deeply sad, one's own is surely a bit of a joke.
James Cameron

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66Diplomacy 99

A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing.
Frederick Sawyer

An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country.
Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)

Diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.

Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

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66Dirt 99

In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

There was no need to do any housework; after the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
Quentin Crisp (1931-)

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66Divorce 99

Alimony: bounty after the mutiny.
Max Kauffmann

Very few trial separations don't work.

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66Drink 99

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
Hugh Drummond

Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Alcohol puts the wreck back into recreation.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)

Champagne for my sham friends; real pain for my real friends.
Francis Bacon (1909-1992)

Everybody has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

For when the wine is in, the wit is out.
Thomas Becon (1512-1567)

He who comes forth with a fifth on the fourth, may not come forth on the fifth.
Joseph W. Montgomery III (1957-)

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I drink no more than a sponge.
François Rabelais (1483-1553)

I only drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I'm not as thrunk as drinkle peep I am.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

If the headache preceded the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns (1896-1996)

Never bet your bladder against a brewery.

Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

People talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.

People who don't drink wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day.
Dean Martin (1917-1995)

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
François Rabelais (1483-1553)

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Water is for washing, if you don't eat soap why drink water.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman (1906-)

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?*
W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

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66Driving 99

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

Drive-in banks were established so that cars could see their real owners.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars because you go faster when you're always going downhill.

I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Mario Andretti (1940-)

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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66Dublin 99

Dublin is a city where you can see a sparrow fall to the ground, and God watching it.
Connor Cruise O'Brien

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett (1906-1989)

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66Duct Tape 99

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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66Economics 99

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter (1919-)

Astrology was invented so that Economics could become a science.

Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth; communism is the equal distribution of poverty.

Economics exams set the same questions year after year, it's the answers that change.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-)

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

Mathematics has given economics rigor, but alas, also mortis.
Richard Heilbroner

Taxation without representation was probably cheaper.

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

There are three types of economist: those who can count, and those who cannot.

There is no free lunch.
Milton Friedman (1912-)

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66Education 99

A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.
Brander Matthews

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.

Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.
Plato (427BC-347BC)

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.
John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946)

Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
B.F. Skinner (1904-)

Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.

For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught.
W.C. Sellar & R.J. Yeatman

God made the Idiot for practice, and then he made the School Board.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.

I forget what I was taught. I only remember what I have learnt.
Patrick White (1912-)

I have learnt to spell hors d'oeuvres,
Which grates on many people's nerves.

I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand.

I owe a lot to my teachers and mean to pay them back some day.
Stephen Leacock (1869-1944)

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
S.J. Perelman (1904-1979)

Nowadays the illiterates can read and write.
Alberto Moravia (1907-)

The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
Muhammad (570-632)

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
Plutarch (46-119)

The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things.
Richard Feynman (1918-1988)

The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
William Blake (1752-1827)

There's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge accumulates.
Lawrence Lowell

'Whom are you?' said he, for he had been to night school.
George Ade (1866-1944)

Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.

You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can't tell him much.
James Barnes

You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
J.D. Salinger (1919-)

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

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66Experience 99

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Good judgment comes from experience, and that comes from poor judgment.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968)

It takes a lot of experience for a woman to kiss like a beginner.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

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66Facts 99

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
Samuel McChord Crothers

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

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66Faith 99

Faith is under the left nipple.
Martin Luther (1483-1546)

The belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

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66Fanaticism 99

A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
John Kenneth Galbraith (1908-)

Fanaticism is redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
George Santayana (1863-1952)

Fanatics have their dreams,
Wherewith they weave
A paradise for a sect.
John Keats (1795-1821)

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66Fashion 99

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
Quentin Crisp (1931-)

Fashions come and go; bad taste is timeless.

If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
Beau Brummel (1778-1840)

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66Feet 99

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Sweaty feet seldom come singly.

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66Food 99

A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

A gourmet who counts calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.
James Beard (1903-1985)

A sandwich is an unsuccesful attempt to make both ends meat.

Be a safe eater and always use a condiment.

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

Cooking is a minor art; I can't imagine a hilarious soufflé, or a deeply moving stew.

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
Sophia Loren (1934-)

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Grub first, then ethics.
Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956)

Health food is anything you eat before the expiry date.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.
Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)

I eat merely to put food out of my mind.
N.F. Simpson (1919-)

If I had some eggs I'd have some eggs and ham, if I had some ham.
Jason Henderson (1969-)

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I'm a man more dined against than dining.
Sir Maurice Bowra (1898-1971)

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
Francesco Caracciolo (1752-1799)

Never eat anything bigger than your head.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a person wind and self-righteousness.
Sir Robert Hutchinson

We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain just to be vegetarians.

You are where you eat.

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66Fools 99

A fool must now and then be right by chance.

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Silence is the virtue of fools.
Francis Bacon (1909-)

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Euripides (484BC-406BC)

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
Heinrich Heine (1797-1856)

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

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66Friends 99

Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.
W.H. Auden (1907-1973)

Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.

Friends are not necessarily the people you like best, they merely got there first.
Peter Ustinov (1921-)

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

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